Some more editing, is this ok ?

I'm so sorry Grey--but I think you need to redo it again--like my eyes were filled with shades of gloom--not got filled with gloomy air. That sounds like a 10 year year old wrote it. You are better then that. Hey, my poem was picked to pieces too by the way so I'm in the same boat. However, I see what I did wrong. Saying it got or they got sounds childish. You're more adult then that, I know you. Just take a deep breath and let your mind calm down down and let it flow.